Catharsis

Sitting in the shadows by the winter stove
it occurs to me that I have been building this
hiding place, this shell
most of my life
day by day, little by little
my own private, personal bunker
just in case

Being detached seems safer right now
so I spend more time here
but I know it really isn’t
it’s all still out there
I can hear it from the other room when
the television is on
I can see it when I peek outside
but I can’t hear it well enough
or see it clearly enough
to draw any confidence yet
so staying here I feel more protected
I can open the doors when I choose
and when I am ready to let the light back in
I can open the windows
but I know I can’t stay too long
I know that I will go back out
I know that

But for the time being
I am going to look through other windows
those that offer me wonder and peace
and laughter and silence
and awe
that’s what I need now
I need the distraction they give
and the nourishment and the rest

I know it is all still out there
they are still out there
and they could come for me any time
or for you
and that you are out there too
fighting the good fight
but right now I haven’t the energy
or the enthusiasm for direct action

I never liked crowds
I don’t like organized protesting
too often collective action dumbs
people down
erodes their character
becomes a mob
or just seems silly
like home team fans at a football game
but that is probably just me

Early on I had a full 360° view of things
windows all way round
a thin barrier to keep the weather out
and to let all the light in
I could see everything
I could feel a part of it all
engaging, participating
moving things forward
while staying warm and dry
I don’t think I can do that anymore

I didn’t see this storm coming
this chaos descending
until it was too late
so now I have retreated
I have installed more walls
boarded my windows
and put up curtains
that let me choose the view
and for now at least
I choose to open only those
that look out over the mountains
and the elk below in the meadow
they seem happy and natural there
and free

Sometimes I think I hear them laughing

Marv Himmel
February 10, 2017 ©